Tuesday, August 28, 2007


New Occupational Certificates

In a never-ending quest to serve demonstrated needs, we're considering developing certificate programs in some newly emerging professions:

  1. Celebrity Gossip Blogger. Make big bucks while sitting at home by copying and pasting pictures of Britney and Lindsay and TomKat and saying catty things about them! Learn to coin nicknames, dodge lawsuits, and snark your way onto daytime tv. No composition courses required!

  1. Help Line Expert. Master the phrase “have you tried rebooting?” Blame the software. Blame the peripherals. Blame the user. No computer science courses required!

  1. Fox News Blonde. 1/3 hair and makeup, 1/3 Pilates, 1/3 Republican talking points. No history, political science, or economics courses required!

  1. HMO Claims Rejecter. Learn to do battle with the sick and dying, and make money while doing it! Master such non-sequiturs as “your daughter's birth wasn't covered, since her name wasn't on the original enrollment form.” Keep a straight face while saying that unconsciousness is no excuse for failing to get a referral from a primary-care physician. Learn the difference between 'authorizing' a test and 'paying for it.' No Ethics courses required!

  2. Mortgage Risk Assessor. Learn to hum “Don't Worry, Be Happy” when borrowers don't document their income. What could possibly go wrong? No math required!

  1. Airline Price Setter. Ideal career for folks with untreated ADHD, or absurdist senses of humor. Opportunities for advancement include Itinerary Maker – Columbus to Boston via Phoenix? Why not? Absolutely no geography or math required!

Wise and worldly readers – what would you add?

Straight credentialer--In honor of Senator Larry Craig, this job entails that all news about obviously gay Republican pols be written to focus on their "straight" qualities. You will spend your career "de-queering" the pol in question, despite their arrest in MN bathrooms for solicitation and subsequent guilty plea.

It is recommended that the job candidate not stay in the "Straight Credentialer" position for long because of the dangerous Roy Cohen and J. Edgar Hoover syndrome.
Total Quality Management Process Improvement Process Quality Management Consultant--if you have a glimmer of what this might mean, you have all the qualifications you need.

If you can describe the position in three paragraphs or more, each using at least five of the seven nouns, you are eligible for a job upgrade to Vice President of Total Quality Management Process Improvement Process Quality Management, or a free lobotomy, whichever your colleagues find more useful.
Obfuscator for bureaucrats: Learn how to translate easily understood simple phrases into multi-syllabic and archaic language: the passive voice is your friend!

Learn how to dodge a straight answer: never say a definitive "yes" or "no" when an incomprehensible set of conditions will do.

Learn when a picture is NOT worth a thousand words: meaningless schema and diagrams are your friend!
IKEA product namer! That is a job I *totally* want.
Debutante Bimbo: You know who we're emulating in this program. - TL
Certified Sock Counselor: Someone who has the knack for finding where wayward socks go between the laundry basket and the washing machine, and the sensitivity to reunite them with their significant other.
IKEA product namer is an instant classic. I think Danigirl actually had something like that on her blog about a year ago.

Straight credentialer does appear to be a growth industry...

Obfuscator for bureaucrats? I dunno. Some of us just have the gift...
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