Monday, March 08, 2010

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

Since the root of "academic" is "academy," it seems like we should have our own Academy Awards. Colleges have been around since long before movies; we got here first!

As with the Hollywood version, the red carpet pre-show would be the most entertaining part, by far. "Sporting a twelve-year-old sport jacket over an oxford shirt visibly straining between the buttons..." "You don't often see a corduroy jacket worn with such authority..." "Who says cell phone holsters can't be chic?"

A few suggestions for categories:

Best Performance by a Job Applicant Swallowing Bitterness at Being Judged by People Who Wouldn't Make the Cut Now

Best Soliloquy at a Faculty Meeting (20 minute minimum)

Most Moving Invocation of Lost Golden Age (20 minute minimum)

Best Performance by a President Explaining a Tuition Increase

Editing: Most Judicious Response to an Unhinged Public Diatribe

Special Effects: Best Simulation of Actual Resources

Best Supporting Actor, Administration: Dean who Carries Out Misguided Initiative of VP while Somehow Maintaining his Own Integrity

Best Supporting Actor, Faculty: Professor Who Manages to Act As If There Are No Dumb Questions

Best Supporting Actor, Student: Student who Manages to Laugh at Every Joke by Professor, No Matter How Awful

Costume Design: award retired in honor of the MLA convention

What categories would you add? Nominations are still open.