Monday, March 08, 2010
I'd Like to Thank the Academy
As with the Hollywood version, the red carpet pre-show would be the most entertaining part, by far. "Sporting a twelve-year-old sport jacket over an oxford shirt visibly straining between the buttons..." "You don't often see a corduroy jacket worn with such authority..." "Who says cell phone holsters can't be chic?"
A few suggestions for categories:
Best Performance by a Job Applicant Swallowing Bitterness at Being Judged by People Who Wouldn't Make the Cut Now
Best Soliloquy at a Faculty Meeting (20 minute minimum)
Most Moving Invocation of Lost Golden Age (20 minute minimum)
Best Performance by a President Explaining a Tuition Increase
Editing: Most Judicious Response to an Unhinged Public Diatribe
Special Effects: Best Simulation of Actual Resources
Best Supporting Actor, Administration: Dean who Carries Out Misguided Initiative of VP while Somehow Maintaining his Own Integrity
Best Supporting Actor, Faculty: Professor Who Manages to Act As If There Are No Dumb Questions
Best Supporting Actor, Student: Student who Manages to Laugh at Every Joke by Professor, No Matter How Awful
Costume Design: award retired in honor of the MLA convention
What categories would you add? Nominations are still open.
"Best performance by a newcomer: the student shocked by the doubtful response to the news that here/his 5th, 6th, or 7th grandmother has died"
"Best special effects: ire produced by student informed that there are no make-ups to the make-up to the make-up exam.""
Ooh, Ooh, I have a nominee, but he would have to decline.
Best Sound Editing: the professor who takes a ridiculous statement/opinion offered by a student and actually relates it to the topic that was actually up for discussion