Wednesday, September 02, 2009

If Stephen Colbert Did the Annual Kickoff Meeting...

(in the style of "The Word")

Faculty and distinguished colleagues,

(Slide: "And the undistinguished among you, too...")

welcome back from what I hope was a restful summer.

("You're gonna need it...")

As you know, we have record enrollments this year, combined with a severe funding cut.

("Rhymes with flusterduck...")

But I'm sure we're up to the challenge.

("New program: Alchemy!")

This year brings some new challenges, like the swine flu

("No more parking shortage!")

and a difficult job market for our graduates.

("Great for retention!")

But some things never change.

("Gotta love the tenure system.")

All those new faces, shining with hope and promise

("and buried in their smartphones")

and the promise of new communities of learning.

("and papers to grade!")

Working together,

("except for the grading")

I'm sure we'll have a terrific year.

("except for the grading")

And that's the word.