Middle age brings with it certain superpowers. Invisibility is the most obvious, but I also have the power to embarrass my teenage children beyond measure, often without even trying.
I’m not above enjoying that. What follows is a barely-edited transcript of last night’s dinner conversation. For context, The Girl is 13.
The Wife: You can attend the (school event), right?
Me: Yup.
TW: Will you sit with The Girl, or will you be separate?
Me: I’ll try to sit with her, but if I can’t, I’ll still find a way to embarrass her.
TG: DAAAD!!!
Me: It’s easy! I’ll just stand up in back and yell “I’m TG’s Dad! Woooooo!!!!”
TG: nooo...
Me: Or I could start dancing. You’ve seen me do the “cabbage patch” (demonstrates)
TW: Oh, do the overbite!
Me: Absolutely. (adds the overbite)
TG: daaaaaaaaaaad…
Me: Or I could do the lawn sprinkler (demonstrates)
TG: There won’t be any music playing!
Me: I can wear headphones. Or say I’m dancing to the sounds in my head.
TG: (sighs)
Me: They’ll be all “Mr. Reed, please sit down. I’ll say, “That’s Dr. Reed to you!” and then start vogueing.
TG: (shoots death stare)
Me: No?
TG: No.
(pause)
Me: (exaggeratedly droopy) oooookayyyyyy…
She wins this round. But next time...
