Thursday, December 08, 2005

 

Fugitive Thoughts

Late semester event-driven exhaustion renders me incapable of completing a thought. So, a few thoughtlets that have been rattling around for a while, unresolved:

- How does Carrot Top have a career?

- Why are no two ties the same length? Couldn’t tiemakers agree on a few standard lengths?

- Why can’t I buy tv channels a la carte? Why do I have to subsidize Fox News in order to watch Jon Stewart?

- How can The Boy repeat “I’m hungry!”156 times before dinner, then not eat?

- Why don’t baby wipes have a red-stripe ‘warning wipe’ before they run out? The packages are *(*)#$&% hard to open, and I’d rather not wield sharp instruments with The Girl on the changing table.

- Rita Cosby – how is this woman on television? That voice is a joke, right?

- If our teeth are as high-maintenance as dentists would have us believe, how did humanity make it this far?

- Hybrid SUV’s. They’re sort of like reduced-fat Twinkies, or lite Spam.

- Tattoos over the butt. Sorry, I just don’t get it. Yes, I’m over 35. You will be, too.

- Leg cramps at 3:00 a.m. God gives a wedgie, just for sport.

- Senator Joe Lieberman. Why? Why? Does anybody think this man is a good idea?

- Tony Danza. I’m completely mystified.

- The Wiggles. If you have young children, you know what I mean.

- Students? Who end every phrase? With a question mark?

- What is it about geese and college campuses?

- Is Maureen Dowd necessary?

- Essay question: Kristin Hersh and Lindsay Lohan put out cd’s recently. Given the existence of a just and benevolent God, explain their relative sales.

Coffee...need coffee...

Comments:
"Why can’t I buy tv channels a la carte? Why do I have to subsidize Fox News in order to watch Jon Stewart?"

There's been quite a bit of agitation for this, but it's been blocked by politics. I have a bunch of sports, religious and spanish language channels that I'd love to drop. The smaller niche cable stations doubtless are afraid of losing their critical mass if they have to compete independently and outside the bundle. As a practical matter, can't you just block Fox so it doesn't appear as a channel selection? I can, and have applied it to the unnecessary stations.

Senator Lieberman is my Senator, and we like him in this state. He'll have no trouble being reelected in Connecticut. Everyone probably disagrees with him on something, but the areas of agreement are much larger. And you have to admire a guy willing to speak the truth as he sees it.

Plus, of course, he's totally right about Iraq.
 
“How does Carrot Top have a career?”
He is the Scrappy Doo of the modern era. Somebody in a position of power loves him. Everyone else hates him. Thus he is inflicted, time and again, on a wincing populace.

“Why are no two ties the same length? Couldn’t tiemakers agree on a few standard lengths?”
They are the same length. Some of them are farther away, and thus appear smaller. Tricks of perspective, lad.

“Why can’t I buy tv channels a la carte? Why do I have to subsidize Fox News in order to watch Jon Stewart?”
Because “à la carte” is fancy-pants French talk. We don’t cotton much to that sort of sissified language in this here land!

“How can The Boy repeat ‘I’m hungry!’156 times before dinner, then not eat?”
Practice.

“Why don’t baby wipes have a red-stripe ‘warning wipe’ before they run out? The packages are *(*)#$&% hard to open, and I’d rather not wield sharp instruments with The Girl on the changing table.”
A red-stripe “warning wipe” was prototyped in the late nineties. Turns out they attract bears. The risk was deemed too great.

“Rita Cosby – how is this woman on television? That voice is a joke, right?”
Is she Bill in drag? Who knows?

“If our teeth are as high-maintenance as dentists would have us believe, how did humanity make it this far?”
Toothlessly.

“Hybrid SUV’s. They’re sort of like reduced-fat Twinkies, or lite Spam.”
Or diet pizza.

“Tattoos over the butt. Sorry, I just don’t get it. Yes, I’m over 35. You will be, too.”
Tattoos over the butt = “Giggety!” I’m sorry, I’m ashamed, but it’s true. Giggety!

“Leg cramps at 3:00 a.m. God gives a wedgie, just for sport.”
Preach on, my brother, preach on. Can I get a witness?

“Senator Joe Lieberman. Why? Why? Does anybody think this man is a good idea?”
Two reasons: he does the best impression of Johnny Carson you’ll ever see, and he’s a fabulous kisser.

“Tony Danza. I’m completely mystified.”
An upcoming issue of Scientific American is devoted to the Mysteries of Danza. Man, I hope they’ve finally come up with some answers. The last I heard, the mass spectrometers used to study him brought back some intriguing results.

“The Wiggles. If you have young children, you know what I mean.”
I do not, and thus I do not.

“Students? Who end every phrase? With a question mark?”
A curious truth: any sentence in the English language can be made to sound threatening by ending it with the word “bitch.” Even the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth, bitch.”

“What is it about geese and college campuses?”
Is it wrong for waterfoul to seek to better themselves? And throw raging keggers? I think not, sir. I think not.

“Is Maureen Dowd necessary?”
So many people aren’t. Why Stevie Ray Vaughn is dead and Bill O’Reilly lives, I cannot understand.

“Essay question: Kristin Hersh and Lindsay Lohan put out cd’s recently. Given the existence of a just and benevolent God, explain their relative sales.”
The relative success of crappy music over good stuff is a tool by which God helps us perceive the fallen nature of this world. We cling too tightly to this sullied world of materialism and the flesh, and thus God promotes the success of terrible music to lessen our grip on the Earth. By inflicting pain on us in the world, He eases the necessary letting go. In short, bad music takes away the sting of death.

For further evidence, I give you the Black Eyed Peas’ song “My Humps.” After hearing a bad singer go on about her “lovely lady lumps” and the profits she derives from them, the prospect of an eternal life on the Earth seems hellish. Only death and the afterlife promises freedom from such excrescence.
 
Dude! Do you ever get any sleep? Your postings consistently come at 2-3 am. THis is why I'm staying out of administration, I like my sleep! :)
 
No, that's a function of time zone. I actually post between 5 and 6 in the morning. Not much better, but still...

I like the "Lindsay Lohan allays fear of death" hypothesis. This may explain Joe Lieberman, as well.
 
"If our teeth are as high-maintenance as dentists would have us believe, how did humanity make it this far?"

Less sugar.
 
water instead of coffee and the leg cramps will prolly end, especially if you take your vitamins
 
Totally on board with you on these questions (minus the children-related once, since I have no children, though I do sympathize). Especially Rita Cosby. That voice is as pleasant as the grinding of T-Rex teeth against a mountain of chalk. Luckily, there are people like Jon Stewart, Steve Colbert, or Keith Olbermann to make up for it. Or, to throw in a woman there, Samantha Bee.
 
This post and the comments had me laughing out loud.

What I really love about the Wiggles is the compulsion intelligent parents, myself included, have to discuss them. Perhaps the earlier generation did this with Barney?
 
Why do shows like Fear Factor, Charmed and Reba remain on the air, while good shows (I'm thinking of Freaks and Geeks from a few years ago) get canceled?????
 
There was a story the other night on The NBC Nightly News about cable companies considering an a la carte system. Sweet.

Why do I have to subsidize John Stewart in order to watch Fox News?

The Wiggles: Totally get it. One of the reasons I have a dog instead of children. LOL.

How about the following addition: Who was the genius that told R. Kelly that his hip hop opera, Trapped in the Closet, was a good idea.
 
"Geese on campus..." My last college campus was full of crazy geese. They chased students. And there were droppings everywhere. Not fun.

Here at my current school, there are no geese, but lots of crows. They are scary, those crows...
 
One of my favorite questions is:

Why is there an expiration date on Sour Cream? Is it possible to go "more sour"?
 
How humanity survived with high-maintenance teeth: we didn't invent farming or refined carbohydrates until late in our evolutionary history. Apparently, fossils show that pre-agricultural hunter-gatherers had little tooth decay, even the octogenarians.
 
My campus has geese and crows, plus a few squirrels. New first years apparently get warned not to let these indoors.
Anyway, your question about geese may be partially answered here: http://www.duckdensity.org.uk.
 
I'm glad to hear the transition of going back to work has been going well! It's a huge milestone after such a big surgery. I'm proud of you :-)

I'm also happy to hear the potty training is going well. I've been getting the impression that Skeeter is ready,
I just don't know that I'M ready.

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