Wednesday, March 08, 2006

 

Retirement Letter Template

I’ve seen a few retirement letters recently, and I’m beginning to notice some conventions of the genre. If you’re a full professor and you’re getting ready to throw in the towel, feel free to borrow from this template to save time.

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After x years at x college, I am calling it a career. I will miss my colleagues terribly. We have bravely held the line against cultural decay in its many insidious forms, and I have relished the good fight.

The college is still a wonderful place, despite the efforts of its administration. The deans and vice presidents I have encountered have been, to a one, vermin, feeding on the waste products of academe. They are not fit to tie a scholar’s shoes, not that they would know a scholar if he bit them on the ass. I am certain to see them in hell. The President is a ratfink, a drunk, an adulterer, and a tragic waste of oxygen. I say this out of love.

The students, God bless ‘em, are as dumb as a sack of hammers. They just don’t have the moral fiber to do the reading anymore, and if they did, they wouldn’t understand it. All they care about is their ipods and their sex lives. Still, I’ll miss the dumb bastards. They remind me of my kids from my first marriage. I have devoted my career to education, and the little pricks’ failure to appreciate me is truly their loss.

As I spend my golden years with my grandchildren, or traveling all over the world, I will reflect fondly from time to time on my time here. Then, I will order another drink, one with an umbrella in it.

Fondly,

Prof. A. Pat O’saurus.

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For maximum impact, it’s a good idea to email this to the entire campus. Then sit back and feel the love come pouring in.

Comments:
HiLARious.

Thank you, DD. Thank you.
 
Second the motion. Delightful. Or as Homer Simpson would say, funny because it's true.
 
Very little makes me laugh out loud...Congratulations!!!
This made my day ;-)

JDGUT
 
Oh. My. God. This is the funniest thing I've read in days. --maggie
 
HA! I can think of a few profs at my school who will quite likely have similar letters. :P
 
Not only is the letter an examplary model of an epistolery genre, as you astutely point-out, it is also a fine representation of a genre of human being.
I believe there is a portrait in Matt Groening's "School is Hell" series.
 
I got a good laugh! Thanks!
 
I rather like my bio:

"Eli Rabett is a not quite failed professorial techno-bunny, a couple of chair elections from retirement, at a wanna be research university that has a lot to be proud of but has swallowed the Kool-Aid. The students are naive but great and the administrators vary day-to-day between homicidal and delusional. His colleagues are for the most part merely fey but not harmless."

It goes on http://rabett.blogspot.com
 
I know you are joking, but this is the kind of thing that makes me want to run from academia and become a beautician. I *hate* people with this attitude (not just the attitude, actually hate the people), and as equality 7-2521 said, there are at least a few out there. -- Vicki
 
Must I wait until I actually *have* tenure to retire with such a letter? Thanks for the day-brightener...
 
It's cute...but maybe you shouldn't dismiss this point of view so quickly if you are hearing it repeatedly.
 
I am so sorry that you are such a loser that stayed in a job that you obviously didn't enjoy and even more obviously were ill-equipped to perform. Enjoy your retirement...we will enjoy your absence...permanently.
 
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For me letter template is also one of the most important things you need to know to make a very effective letter. Just like what is stated in this post. Retirement letter template must be very good.
 
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