Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Retirement Letter Template

I’ve seen a few retirement letters recently, and I’m beginning to notice some conventions of the genre. If you’re a full professor and you’re getting ready to throw in the towel, feel free to borrow from this template to save time.


After x years at x college, I am calling it a career. I will miss my colleagues terribly. We have bravely held the line against cultural decay in its many insidious forms, and I have relished the good fight.

The college is still a wonderful place, despite the efforts of its administration. The deans and vice presidents I have encountered have been, to a one, vermin, feeding on the waste products of academe. They are not fit to tie a scholar’s shoes, not that they would know a scholar if he bit them on the ass. I am certain to see them in hell. The President is a ratfink, a drunk, an adulterer, and a tragic waste of oxygen. I say this out of love.

The students, God bless ‘em, are as dumb as a sack of hammers. They just don’t have the moral fiber to do the reading anymore, and if they did, they wouldn’t understand it. All they care about is their ipods and their sex lives. Still, I’ll miss the dumb bastards. They remind me of my kids from my first marriage. I have devoted my career to education, and the little pricks’ failure to appreciate me is truly their loss.

As I spend my golden years with my grandchildren, or traveling all over the world, I will reflect fondly from time to time on my time here. Then, I will order another drink, one with an umbrella in it.


Prof. A. Pat O’saurus.


For maximum impact, it’s a good idea to email this to the entire campus. Then sit back and feel the love come pouring in.