Monday, August 28, 2006

 

Shocking Revelation

It's hard to keep secrets from a spouse. Marriage, especially with young children, involves so much exhausted time together that sooner or later one's guard slips, and anything rattling around in the back of your mind will slip out.

Such a slip happened recently. The Wife confessed to harboring an attraction to...

wait for it...

Tucker Carlson.

(shudder)

so cold, so very cold...

I'm an adult. I've had relationships before. I know that eyes wander, that shiny objects crossing your field of vision will briefly register, but Tucker Carlson?

Trying to control the damage, she explained that she likes him more since he lost the bowtie (so how long has this been going on, anyway?...), and that the attraction is entirely physical. She ignores what he actually says. He's just a piece of man-candy, a Republican stud-horse roaming the plains of basic cable, desperately in search of a haircut.

I projectile-vomit just thinking about it.

She has confessed crushes before, but none of them was anywhere near so objectionable. In childhood, she admits, there was a crush on Randolph Mantooth, from Emergency. (My answer to that would be Elizabeth Montgomery, from Bewitched.) Harrison Ford, Keifer Sutherland, and Jake Gyllenhaal have all elicited her approval, but none of those bothered me, either. And she tolerates my crushes on Chris Jansing, Winona Ryder, and Maggie Gyllenhaal, so that's cool. (We have to figure out a way to sneak into a Gyllenhaal family reunion. Hmm.)

(We just heard that this season, Tucker will be on Dancing With the Stars. TW says she will watch through her fingers. I'm planning to spend lots of time in other rooms.)

Ever the WASP, my first instinct is just to sit in silent judgment of her, letting the daggers from my eyes and the icicles from my word balloons (“if you like that sort of thing”) do a number on her self-esteem. But I don't want to be divorced, and it's hard to maintain that kind of distance when a five-year-old and a two-year-old are running around.

Clearly, a retaliatory crush is in order. But on whom? The Wife doesn't care about politics, so I can't just watch Fox News, pick some blonde plutocrat, and elicit the same reaction. (“Honey, have you ever noticed how cute Monica Crowley is when she talks about Nixon?” Nope. Can't do it.) Lindsay Lohan or Nicky Hilton would only elicit mild disappointment, rather than the intestinal convulsions that are so clearly called for. Angelina Jolie is simply assumed. No, I need one that would strike her as really gross.

Cher would work, except I'm heterosexual. Courtney Love would gross her out, but she'd gross me out, too. No, I need someone really disturbing, someone who would generate the “I don't know you at all” response to mirror my own.

Hmm.

Martha Stewart? No. Katie Couric? Huh-uh. Hillary Clinton? Getting warmer, but no.

Wait, I've got it!

Jessica Simpson.

The divorced/virgin, Christian/slut, celebrity-for-no-particular-reason herself. That'll work. And I hear she's available!

Revenge shall be mine...

Comments:
Give her a break -- I have a thing for Tony Blair... hubby could handle the long-term Tom Cruse thing, but he has a more difficult time with Blair.
 
Jessica Simpson ((cringe)).
Mission accomplished DD.
 
Tucker Carlson? EEWWW . . . I cringe! I am so sorry. Now, if it was John Stewart, Anderson Cooper, or Bill Maher {sigh}
 
My husband wanted to suggest Eartha Kitt. After hearing about Tucker Carlson, I don't feel nearly so bad about my favourite celebrities!
 
There is always, cue the Psycho knife music, Ann Coulter.

[cold chills just went down my spine]
 
Okay I admit, I'm another one of those Anderson Cooper, Jon Stewart melty people, but Tucker Carlson...have you seen him in person? He's not too bad looking, once you ditch the bowtie.
 
I thought about Ann Coulter too, PPP, except Dean Dad's already said he's straight.
 
I get the Tucker Carlson thing. I think it's partly because he is so preppy and partly because he's such an ass. No, it's nothing to be proud of, the attraction for Tucker Carlson, but there you have it.
 
Dear Dad,

I hope you don't mind my saying, but there's a slight extent to which you're missing the point on the Tucker Carlson thing. The problem with him is not simply, or even primarily, aesthetic -- it's not just the bowtie, or even the grinding smugness. It's the consistently appalling positions he stakes out every time he opens his mouth. What you need is the kind of person that makes TW look at you -- as you are now looking at her -- and genuinely question whether she ever knew you at all. Ann Coulter is much too easy, and much too obviously just not so.

My nominee? Libby Dole.
 
Well, we all have our guilty pleasures. How about Barbara Bush? Or not.
 
TC's politics are exactly why I'm appalled.

Jenna Bush might be a good choice.

Ann Coulter reminds me of the Cryptkeeper, but without the charm. I couldn't even fake that.
 
I'm with Crazy. I can understand the Tucker Carlson thing--and even the appeal of that idiotic bowtie.

But then, my first celebrity crush, at about age 11, was on Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton, in Family Ties, which I suspect is what led to my shameful history of attraction to obnoxiously preppy, conservative types.

I can't explain it. It's sick. But somehow the obnoxiousness is PART of the appeal.
 
I recommend Paris Hilton.

Many years ago I read an article by a young man unable to handle his young wife's attraction to... Ed Asner. So I think you could have it worse.
 
OMG Flavia - Alex P. Keaton was mine too! I was acutely aware that he was a Republican and as a result I was afraid to tell my parents about our "relationship".

DD: Affection for bowties remains an unsolved mystery of the female heart; there's no explaining it. Also the shaggy hair.
 
Katherine Harris
 
A few spring to mind - pretty random spread. Anna Nicole Smith. Chelsea Clinton. The "apply directly to the forehead" woman.
Good luck with your project!
 
Jessica Simpson? Naah.

Try Katherine Harris: pneumatic, upbeat and as corrupting as the day is long.

Or Michelle Malkin: corrosive, pixielike and reptilian.
 
Hell... I have a thing for CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta. I won't criticize anyone else for their eccentric tastes. Of course, at least I like someone whose talented and intelligent. Jessica Simpson is the same type of trailer park trash that would gross out any female over 25 with moderate brain activity. Then again, you could REALLY gross her out and chase Britney Spears.
 
Soledad O'Brien
 
Condoleeza Rice.

I confess. I lust after Tony Blair. Hubby after Condi. I love him anyway.
 
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