Monday, May 29, 2006

Memo to Toymakers

From: Dean Dad

To: The Toymakers of the World

Re: Those *(#$)@&$ Wires on the Back of Cardboard Boxes Holding Toys In

I understand that security is an issue in these uncertain times. But honestly, is it really necessary to use coated piano wire to secure a cabbage patch doll to the back of a cardboard box? And then to use packaging tape to secure the wire? Have cabbage patch dolls been breaking loose recently? Are there sleeper cells of cabbage patch dolls lurking among us, plotting nefariously?

Have you ever attempted to free a cabbage patch doll from this wire? The only way to do it is with sharp metal, such as scissors. If you have ever observed young children, ever, in any context at all, you know they’re eager to get at their toys. Introducing scissors to that situation is not a good idea. Seriously.

While we’re on the subject, I’d personally like to do nefarious things to whomever decided that battery compartments on toys shall heretofore be accessible only with Phillips-head screwdrivers. Again, have you ever seen a child with a new toy? Is a screwdriver really a good idea? Back in my childhood, as I recall, battery compartments opened with a little latch. It worked fine. If you want to experiment with velcro or tape, more power to you. But honestly, anything requiring wielding sharp metal around jumpy young children is flat-out stupid.

At the rate toy security is moving, in a few years the only way to free a toy from its box will be to get all Dick Cheney on its ass, and shoot it open. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that plan.

I have one word for you people: string.

That is all.