Thursday, June 01, 2006

Things I Don't Do

I’m leaving the wool suits at home this week, since it’s hot and humid and the a.c. in my office isn’t working. I don’t do wool when the a.c. isn’t working. It’s just one of the choices I’ve made in life. Since the misery index has been making me thoroughly cranky all week, I’ve had occasion to reflect on other cranky choices, other things I don’t do:

- Heat. Maybe it’s the Swede in me, maybe it’s the Northern Town upbringing, but I wilt in the heat. I’ll switch to hybrid cars, I’ll support mass transit, I’ll cut down on travel, but you can pry the central air conditioning from my cold, dead hands. I wonder if any Canadian colleges have openings?

- Botany. Never cared, never will. If you want to see my eyes glaze over, just drop the word “azalea” in my presence. (“rhododendron,” “peony,” or “vinca” will have the same effect.)

- Nascar. I don’t care how much flak we Northern liberals take for it, I just don’t get the appeal. It’s traffic, and I get enough of that without watching it on tv.

- Singalongs (other than ‘happy birthday’).

- “Team-Building Exercises.” The tyranny of extroversion in our culture reaches its shark-jumping moment here. I would rather visit the Evil Dentist than endure a team-building exercise. I once took out my contact lenses shortly after chopping jalapeno peppers; I would rather do that again than endure another team-building exercise. The worst part of team-building exercises is that you aren’t allowed to object to them. Be very suspicious of anything that can’t tolerate rational scrutiny, whether it’s the Bush administration or some cornflake trying to tell you that devoting a workday to a rope trick is the secret to success.

- “Get Psyched!” (also, “Get Pumped!”) See “Team-Building Exercises.” I manage my own emotions, thank you very much.

- Camp. I came to this revelation in my twenties, when I was *#$&#) poor. “Roughing it” is fun only if you aren’t roughing it in real life. No, thanks. If I want a real vacation, I’ll take several days in a nice hotel in a big city. The hotel will have central air. The city will have events. Life will be good.

- Chuck E. Cheese. ‘Nuff said.

- Watch tv on a cell phone. Are you *(#()$(@#%& kidding me? Is there such a shortage of tv that we’re reduced to watching it on one-inch screens in every spare moment? This is a solution in search of a problem.

- Anything involving Adam Sandler.

What don’t you do?