Monday, September 18, 2006


Jonas Salk Presents the Polio Vaccine to the Faculty Senate

...and this, I believe, will end polio in our time. Any questions?

- Why weren't we informed of this earlier?
- What else haven't you informed us about?
- Does the Disabilities Committee know about this?
- Why polio? Why not cancer? My wife has cancer. Don't you care?
- Prick.
- Why not AIDS?
- Yeah, why not AIDS? Are you homophobic?
- You homophobe!
- I'm concerned about how this will impact women and minorities. Did you run this by the Diversity Committee?
- Whose budget did this come out of?
- Oh, sure, we have money for vaccines, but where's the checkbook when we want to expand my program?
- You haven't tested this on people, have you?
- This has been thoroughly tested for long-term effects on people, hasn't it?
- This is an attack on the culture of Persons With Polio!
- This is just an excuse to raise my copay. The union will hear about this!
- Is the Administration behind this?
- Those bastards.
- This is all so sudden. We need to respect the integrity of the process.
- Yes, integrity!
- Integrity! (mumble, mumble)
- I propose that the vaccine be tabled until next year, pending review by the relevant committees.
- (mumble, mumble)
- Which committees would those be?
- Good point. Let's establish an ad hoc task force to determine which committees properly have jurisdiction. Then we can have each committee thoroughly vet the proposal.
- I'll chair it!
- We have a volunteer. Is there a second?
- Second!
- Great! Any objections?
(Dr. Salk stares in mute disbelief.)
- Dr. Antedeluvian will chair the ad hoc committee. Who shall be represented on the committee?
- My division got the shaft on last year's committee.
- Your division wouldn't be able to find its ass with both hands and a map!
- Yours could, because that's where its head is!
- (“oooooooooo”)
- Colleagues, please. I propose one representative from each bargaining unit, one from the administration, and one student.
- (mumble, mumble)
- We'll address the cost issue as it comes up. All in favor?
- ('ayes' mumbled widely)
- Opposed?
(sound of crickets)
- Abstentions?
(sound of crickets yawning)
- The motion passes. Thank you, Dr. Salk, for your presentation. Dr. Antedeluvian's committee will convene next month to decide who can tell you what to do with your vaccine. Moving on to new business...

I have a sense there might be some kernel, some wee hint, some implication of experience hidden in that. Way down deep. Out of sight. Veiled, you know.

Just a sense. Could be wrong.

Have you lately reconsidered the potential benefits of turning rogue, and the associated utility of instituting a new policy of piracy, rapine and stringent structural reorganization? I've been designing a plank (of the walking sort) for some years -- admittedly with a thought of faculty graduate committee members and the odd exclusionist archivist -- but I'm sure in many cases they're the same people.

I would be more than happy to share, when the time comes. Just raise the flag.
Nearly did a spit take of coffee all over the sleeping baby in my lap!

you're good Dean Dad, very good.
Surely you weren't at the "Urban CC" Faculty Senate meeting this week, where faculty in departments such as Business and Communications lamented that their expertise on parking lots was not taken into account when the lots were re-striped to add more parking spaces. I almost had to take my emergency cyanide pill.
is this fake???
this is fake right? i was about to use it for my project as an example! i though it was a real interview.
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